The other day I refused to sell cigarettes to a girl who was still wearing her school uniform. I should probably have just served her and let natural selection take its course, but a tiny part of me held out hope that with the right guidance she might, one day, overcome her intellectual shortcomings. About … Continue reading Up in smoke
Coles Express attracts all types of oddbods. Myself, for example, or the customer that comes in to work at the same time every Saturday morning to buy a copy of the West Australian, a coffee and a cheese and ham sandwich. He is an older gentleman with a bad combover and worse teeth. If I … Continue reading Laugh lines
I recently took a unit on sci-fi and popular literature at uni. I took it as in I taught it, but you’d be forgiven for thinking I was just a bystander. Anybody who knows me knows that I should never be placed in a position of power. Not because it will corrupt me – that … Continue reading O Captain, my Captain
Our family lived in Canada for three years between 1987-1990. It was fun and all, but I think my parents could’ve done more to ensure us kids had a smoother reintegration into Australian life. They were fine (for anyone over 30, three years is about the length of a coke commercial) but for us kids, … Continue reading Culture Shock
My hypothetical children have impeccable manners, always do as they’re told, and sleep a solid eight hours every night. They get me up for a cooked breakfast and after I’ve disciplined them, they thank me for the salutary influence I have on their young lives. They are good, but there’s still room for improvement. I … Continue reading Child’s play
Working at a petrol station at the age of 35 may have eroded what remaining self-esteem I have, but it’s also yielded some excellent comedic material. The kind of stuff you can’t learn at university. It’s one thing, for example, to know that the dominant theory of humour in philosophy is currently the Incongruity model … Continue reading Meat and two veg
I was revisiting Robert Frost’s poem, “Mending Wall” the other day, and though I’d always thought of that guy, the one that’s lumbering round his yard screening out his neighbour stone by stone, as a hard-boiled misanthropist who probably lived with his mum well into his forties, I can kind of see his point now, … Continue reading Love Thy Neighbour
For those of you not au fait with the term microaggression, it is not, as one might suspect, the act of being flicked with an elastic band at close range. It is something far more serious. You can check those antediluvian notions of overt racism, sexism, sizeism and classism at the door – years of … Continue reading Minority Report
Oh Japan, sweet land of cherry blossom, majestic temples and bottom rinsing. I’m here, and it’s every bit as good as the infommercials. This isn’t my first rodeo, but the last time I was in Asia, I was swiftly whisked away from the airport to an island paradise where everyone spoke Asian Australian and laughed … Continue reading Konnichi wa Bitちes!
For those who haven’t heard, my brother’s coiffeur has been the subject of a malicious, unprovoked attack that affronted not only his tiny man bun, but questioned his sense of style, his grooming habits and – dare I say it – his sanity. We are not sure yet who the hater is, but we know this much: … Continue reading Knot without my bun.