The other day I refused to sell cigarettes to a girl who was still wearing her school uniform. I should probably have just served her and let natural selection take its course, but a tiny part of me held out hope that with the right guidance she might, one day, overcome her intellectual shortcomings. About … Continue reading Up in smoke
Coles Express attracts all types of oddbods. Myself, for example, or the customer that comes in to work at the same time every Saturday morning to buy a copy of the West Australian, a coffee and a cheese and ham sandwich. He is an older gentleman with a bad combover and worse teeth. If I … Continue reading Laugh lines
I recently took a unit on sci-fi and popular literature at uni. I took it as in I taught it, but you’d be forgiven for thinking I was just a bystander. Anybody who knows me knows that I should never be placed in a position of power. Not because it will corrupt me – that … Continue reading O Captain, my Captain
Our family lived in Canada for three years between 1987-1990. It was fun and all, but I think my parents could’ve done more to ensure us kids had a smoother reintegration into Australian life. They were fine (for anyone over 30, three years is about the length of a coke commercial) but for us kids, … Continue reading Culture Shock
My hypothetical children have impeccable manners, always do as they’re told, and sleep a solid eight hours every night. They get me up for a cooked breakfast and after I’ve disciplined them, they thank me for the salutary influence I have on their young lives. They are good, but there’s still room for improvement. I … Continue reading Child’s play
Dear Abby, I’ve just turned 40 and have started to notice my husband’s interest in me waning. There is a new secretary at his office with flotation devices for breasts, and I’m scared of losing him to her. What can I do to get him back? Cathy. Hi Cathy, Your predicament is common. Just the … Continue reading A word of advice
My heart sinks whenever I get one of these invitations in the mail. Sinks. I don’t know what that says about me, but I think I’d rather get stoned to death with tictacs than have to go to one more. The worst thing about admitting that … Continue reading Bub Crawl.
If auto predict is anything to go by, 95% of the population is gay and the remaining 5% is in denial. Write “is” and then a letter from the alphabet (see above) and bar pretty much the letter X – weird, because Xena, Warrior Princess has … Continue reading Yes. Kind of. No. Who?
There are a few instruments lying around this joint that I’ve never used. One’s a guitar I bought two years ago; positive Tommy Emmanuel would soon be eating my dust. I know three chords max, so he’s safe (for now). I had to drive all the way to Alexander Heights to get … Continue reading If you’re feeling impulsive, remember that the world could always use an extra tambourinist