Dear Abby,
I’ve just turned 40 and have started to notice my husband’s interest in me waning. There is a new secretary at his office with flotation devices for breasts, and I’m scared of losing him to her. What can I do to get him back?
Cathy.
Hi Cathy,
Your predicament is common. Just the other day my own husband told me that my face looked like a discarded rhino hide and could I please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, do something about it? Sadly, there is no cure-all for man’s wandering eye, but let me suggest a few ways to keep the home fires burning!
- MAINTAIN your natural beauty. Sadly, some women grow lax in their later years and start to place undue emphasis on what they dubiously term their “personality.” I knew one woman who went completely off the rails after her husband, in a drunken stupor, told her he valued her “inner beauty.” By the time he’d sobered up, she had cancelled her gym membership, burnt all her bras and was halfway through her third tub of Häagen-Dazs (I’ll give you one guess as to how that relationship panned out).
- KEEP the right balance. Although the odd display in nature is acceptable, on no occasion should the human male be more attractive than his partner. If you feel you’re slipping, try to avoid unflattering lighting, or consider a face transplant. Remember that your husband should always be capable of making the lighthearted remark to family and friends that he is, as it were, “batting out of his league.” (If in even the majority of cases he is referring to you, you’ve scored a home run!)
- THIN for the win. As the old saying goes, “it’s better to be skinny in hell than obese in heaven” (anon). While thinness is universally attractive, make sure you don’t get too emaciated. Men like women with a bit of meat on their bones! Avoid full-blown anorexia, but ensure you’re thin enough to warrant concern from well-meaning colleagues. If food is too hard to quit, consider nature’s godsend: the humble tapeworm. It only took me one month of eating undercooked meat from infected animals to contract one, and while side-effects can include nausea, weakness, diarrhea, abdominal pain and fatigue, it’s a small price to pay for an enviable bod!
- PUTyour money where your face is. Many over-the-counter products promise to eradicate lines and age spots, but in my personal opinion, only one cream delivers. At $500 a pop, “Pony Power” isn’t cheap, but aged horse semen never is. While the smell takes a little getting used to, you’ll love the wrinkle-defying properties of this bad boy. Giddyup!
- KISS and make up. As we all know, there’s nothing quite so terrifying as the naked female face, but some women seem to think that the occasional skinny dip is reasonable. Those same women lost their husband to the secretary with flotation devices for breasts.
- SMILES for miles. Smiling is scientifically proven to make a woman 6 times more attractive to men. In one clinical trial, men were handed pictures of several women and told to rank them in their preferred order. Of the subjects, the woman who had the biggest smile was consistently chosen. (In what they later saw as a conflicting issue, that lady was also a supermodel). Make sure that when you smile, you engage your mouth only; never involve the eyes. While you may look dead inside, you’ll also avoid those dreaded crow’s feet!
- LOL a lot – Men whose jokes are regularly met with laughter almost never file for divorce. Always laugh with, and not at, him – the distinction is paramount. Under no circumstances attempt to be funny yourself – this can emasculate a man just as quickly as your stony response to his one-liner. (There is also a direct correlation with lesbianism.)
- AVOID comfortable clothing. I have seen happy marriages fold on the introduction of tracksuit pants. They may be snug, but they are also the death knell of desire. Was I tempted to just lounge around in hospital garb after my third pregnancy, tending to my newborn daughter and waiting for my nether regions to repair? Sure! Would I ever do that again? No way! Because it’s a slippery slope. One minute you’re wearing tracksuit pants, the next you’re growing a moustache and talking about equality.
- BOTOX, baby! A lifetime of incorrect smiling may have damaged the delicate area around your eyes. Never fear. While advances in medical science may not yet have cured cancer, they’ve done something far more important – they’ve decelerated the aging process! If you can’t fit a trip to the clinic into your busy schedule, I recommend hosting a Botox party. Like Tupperware, it’s all about the plastic! Unlike a Tupperware party, the product doesn’t come with a lifetime guarantee, so make sure you’re vigilant with your upkeep.
- SWEAT it out. Ever wondered if maybe the gym won’t bypass your congenital predisposition to store fat around your mid-section? Ever think that you could be doing more worthwhile things with your time than going up and down fake stairs in a bra that is able to reduce bounce by 999%? You’re probably spending too much time thinking and not enough time on the treadmill.
This list is by no means exhaustive, Cathy. In reality there are hundreds of ways to stave off the inevitable, most of them requiring only minor adjustments such as sleeping upside down or subsisting on a diet of cabbage and water. Best of luck in your quest to stick it to mother nature, and remember that above all, it’s about being comfortable in your own skin. As long as that skin is wrinkle-free!
