4 things that shouldn’t exist that do.

Directory Assistance

This “service” is a bit like the kid that sticks his fingers in his ear and starts singing the theme tune to Thomas the Tank Engine as soon as you try to talk. The other day I asked for the number for “Dominos,” and it said “Sorry did you say Auto One?” and I said “No, if I wanted Auto One, I would have said bloody Auto One,” to which it replied, “sorry I didn’t catch that” and we started all over again.

I’m pretty sure these companies just hire guys that can do good R2D2 impersonations and give them the brief “whatever you do, do not give them the right number.” I say this because no machine could come up with some of the truly inspired alternatives they provide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Liquorland, not Disneyland!!

If you ask for the number for Pizza Hut, for example, they will say, “did you ask for the clinic for childhood obesity?” Similarly, the guy that wants to find the location of their local Langtrees will be given the number of a psychologist that specialises in sex addiction. It’s funny, except for when I’m trying to find my nearest Langtrees.

Medical Receptionists

It’s a bit harsh to say that medical receptionists should be vaporised, but I don’t mean all of them, I just mean the EVIL ones, who, I’m pretty sure, start the day sitting in a circle and reciting some kind of anti-Hippocratic oath which goes along the lines of: “we’ll strive to veto bulk bill fees, no matter how poor our patients be, we must eschew all sympathy, and in their sickness take much glee.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, we just can’t squeeze you in.

The irony is, (are you paying attention, Alanis,) that if anywhere needed people that had a scrap of compassion it would be at a place like a doctor’s surgery. Unfortunately it continues to attract Bundyesque types, which makes me think that some part of the screening process involves making sure these woman tick yes to statements like “I hate humans” or “If I could, I would eradicate world peace”  before they get the job. I don’t like to make sweeping statements, but this particular profession is chock full of rotten apples.

Sizzlers

If you’ve ever been on school camp, you will know the familiar thud of carbs smacking your steel tray and a woman who has never washed her hands yelling “NEXT!” while you scurry off wondering how you’re going to feed it to the dog without getting caught.

Sizzlers is a kind of sophisticated take on this scenario. Clearly the health department has not visited in decades, has forgotten they exist, or have some kind of agreement with the owners whereby they turn a blind eye in exchange for getting, not only a free meal, but one where they can eat all they want!!! (They still haven’t quite got the concept of Sizzlers.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New expanded menu

I don’t think I’ve ever been there and not seen flies loitering around what looks like a partially cooked chicken on a bed of very distressed potatoe or Maggi noodles and Chum posing as spaghetti bolognaise. But because no boundaries have been set, (and this is why Sizzler’s needs to be eliminated – because it plays Jedi mind tricks on you,) you want, nay, must have, your money’s worth.

It’s a sad fact of life that at the heart of every person that doesn’t want to get food poisoning is another part of them whispering “but it’s freeeeee,” and, sadly, that one usually wins out; which is exactly why they should never make aspestosis or tinea free.

Nancy Gantz Pantz

For years, larger ladies have found comfort in the fact that while Weight Watchers may not work, they can always fall back on an elasticated 10kg drop, courtesy of Nancy Gantz. What they don’t know, (at least until they own a pair of her products,) is that Nancy grew up torturing  kittens before deciding to move on to humans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also great for double chins.

I hope these products never fall into the hands of our enemies, because waterboarding would be a walk in the park compared to a day out in one of these bad boys. “Pliers or Gantz Pantz” they’ll say, laughing maniacally, and before you have a chance to answer they’ve pulled out her patent tummy tuckers, snapped the elastic, and, much like Pavlov’s dogs, the sound alone will make you crap your pants.

There’s so many more, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Without going into details, here are several other blights on humanity’s landscape:

How I Met Your Mother

Lady? Gaga

Bollywood films

Garden gnomes

Any movie J-Lo has ever made

Hashtags

Red Bull ads

It’s not extensive, but I’m a very important person, and I’ve got very important other things to attend to, so that’ll have to do for now.

Adios.

* Oh, and that kid in Year 4 that stole my pack of chips